Horrid Facebook Updates

I

f Facebook is a reflection of its creator Mark Zuckerberg then it is a medium that one should treat with caution, trepidation and ideally circumvent. Indeed, if the murmurings and tittle-tattle about Zuckerberg (or the despotic and psychopathic Gaius Caligula as I like to imagine him given his uncanny resemblance to the young Caligula in 'I, Claudius' and his controlling behaviour in the Facebook float) are to be believed then Facebook, like its creator, is vain, self-aggrandising, mean and ultimately self-deluding. Perhaps that was a touch sensationalist of me as Facebook is not without benefits, although unlike Zuckerberg I don't quite view it as a harbinger of democracy, but hopefully it conveyed my belief that it does not on the whole accentuate the positive traits of humanity.

Now although Facebook has given an outlet for the vain, the bores, the needy, the dull and those lacking self-awareness, I have accepted the medium for what it is and realised that from a sociological and psychoanalytical bent, it is quite fascinating. I even feel a level of sympathy – I know that this is pretty patronising – for those who feel that they have to let people know that they are baking a cake or going on a 10k* run. Perhaps such individuals feel that if they don't update their Facebook statuses on a regular basis that they will cease to exist: I update my Facebook status therefore I am.

Having once previously shunned it, I now quite look forward to scanning the Facebook updates which after years of exposure has led me to conclude that there are broadly ten different categories of Facebook update:

1. Holiday photos

Displaying holiday photos is pretty much de rigueur. This is quite funny as those who used to bring back their holiday snaps and, in bad cases, slides before the advent of Facebook were widely mocked as utter bores totally lacking in self-awareness. It should be noted that putting photos up on Facebook is simply a polite form of boasting, reminding everyone that you're doing quite well both in a financial sense and, as is often the case, in a romantic sense.

2. Snaps with your pals (normally accompanied by alcohol)  

This is just a gentle reminder to everyone that you have friends; you are sociable; and you are having fun.

3. An attempt at humour

Some of these attempts succeed many fail. Clearly there is a strong desire in the United Kingdom to be thought of as light-hearted and amusing.

4. Food-related updates (often baking)

I think this correlates with the abundance of cooking programmes on television which has given many Facebook users the sense that advanced cooking is an activity which one should aspire to. Thus, baking a cake has become a noteworthy achievement and needs to be shared with the rest of the Facebook community. This often takes the form of putting up photos of a cake or other foodie creations which, far from looking appetising, often look like something on a down market kebab or pizza leaflet.

5. Jogging

Facebook status updates relating to physical activity are interestingly almost invariably confined to jogging rather than playing other sports. I don't quite know why this is, but clearly for some jogging is an activity, particularly the 10k, that should be heralded. I don't know why jogging merits an update above say: “I went to WHSmith today” or “I bought some satsumas from Tesco”, but there you go.

Examples

“heading out for 15 miles of long intervals. Have been pissing about too long this morning...”

“Looks like I won't be doing the half in 2 weeks - going to have a few weeks off running outside now :( "

“Nice little 10.5 mile run done in the sun and I made a bunch of 15 year old boys day running past them in a crop top!”

“great running in the snow this morning!!!”

6. House buying

Perhaps my least favourite category as I think that the national obsession with property ownership has a detrimental impact upon society (yawn). It is also an overt form of boasting and talking about money in public which isn't great form. The phrase buying a house is also pretty misleading as what most people actually mean is borrowing a large sum from a bank to fund a property purchase over which the bank will have a legal charge. Lacks the glamour of 'buying a house' doesn't it?

Examples

“Is now a property owner!! Just need a completion date now!”

“ Man buying a house is SSTTRREESSSSSS-FULLLLL!”

“Needs Kirsty and Phil like the desert needs the rain...”

“I've just had a thought... The people who are currently viewing our house are going to think we're massive try-hards. Not only did I have fresh coffee this morning (I'm not going to lie, I've started buying extra aromatic), I baked bread (we genuinely had run out) that'll be ready about now, plus we have flowers in all rooms downstairs (from guests last weekend). Eek!”

7. Little darlings

I understand that most parents naturally view their newly borns as the most precious beings ever to grace Earth, but excessive cooing about how Alfie has been to 'toddler tots' and a 'messy pup' together with putting up schmaltzy photos of the little darling is rather tiresome.

8. Minor mishaps and complaints

Quite often the complaints are transport-related: train delays etc. One horrific Facebook user complained that someone who had committed suicide by throwing themselves in front of a train on the London Underground had committed an act of gross selfishness in causing a delay. Most of the complaints are pretend complaints and are really an attempt to engender sympathy or promote a certain endearing character trait like clumsiness or forgetfulness.

Examples

“So annoying when you charge phone all night and it was turned off at the plug!”

“Was just nearly bone-broken by a white Audi driving arsehole in Farnham who was too impatient to wait for the train barriers, was holding them up, and decided to pull forwards to 1inch away from the car infront just as I was trying to cross the road between the teo vehicles which HE had blocked with his arsehole self. Livid. I wish I'd scratched his bonnet with ny keys as my shin and knee were being squashed. FUMING”

9. The earnest update

British people imbued with irony aren't renowned for earnestness which is a touch too American, but every so often you do get an update commending an experience, an individual or decision in a totally sincere manner. Personally I find such updates a little strange and I mark the individual's card accordingly.

Example

“Glad to hear 22 year old man from Merseyside arrested for offensive Facebook page re two police officers killed by Dale Cregan”

10. Just plain horrid

Unfortunately, there are some updates that are simply moronic, unpleasant and extraordinarily boastful.

'BONUS': Olympic and Paralympic Updates

Such was the clamour for the Olympics and Paralympics for two months that they merited a category of their own. Mercifully, apart from politicians trying to associate themselves wherever possible with the Games, the clamour has subsided and we are back to ten categories.

Examples

“wow - what an amazing summer - Olympics, Paralympics and now Andy Murray winning the US Open - I have absolutely no idea who is going to win Sports Personality of the Year.”

“is mega excited - am off a week on Thursday to the Olympic Stadium to see some of the Paralympics - will be ammmmmmazzzzziiiiinnnnnnggggg”

* It would seem that the 10k is the most trendy form of exercise at the moment judging from the number of its practitioners on Facebook. It is also another one of those highly irritating abbreviations like 24/7 and TeamGB, which no doubt makes its users feel 'cutting edge' and at the vanguard of modernity.

This feature will be regularly updated here. I would be delighted to know if anyone has any horrid Facebook updates that they would like me to post on the Dibbly Dobbler.